If I wasn’t sick enough already, then there was the moment I spent watching Sarah Palin’s endorsement of Donald Trump. I couldn’t bear to watch the whole thing, given my weakened condition. I find Palin nauseating even when I don’t have the flu bug.
What, pray tell, do Americans see in this woman?
Isn’t having a Palin endorsement the same as having Putin invite you in for some of his special home-brewed tea?
I couldn’t watch Palin, given my already queasy state, so I read the transcript of her endorsement instead.
Or, to be more specific, I attempted to read it. As I read, I imagined the conversation we might have:
Sarah, I found it most ironic when you said: He is from the private sector, not a politician, can I get a ‘Hallelujah!’
Excuse me, but aren’t you a career-politician yourself? Haven’t you made the bulk of your income from stump-speaking, employing inflammatory rhetoric to rile the masses?
Your former English teachers must cringe every time you take to a podium.
Thank a vet and know that the United States military deserves a commander-in-chief that our country passionately and will never apologize for this country.
This is exactly the sort of haphazard use of language that English teachers battle against every single day.
I know it seems complicated, Sarah. Compound sentences require focus. I know it can be difficult for people like you, who talk more than they think, to focus long enough to construct a proper compound sentence.
Sarah? Sarah? Look, here, pay attention.
Oh,forget it. Let’s take a look at the following:
And he, who would negotiate deals, kind of with the skills of a community organizer maybe organizing a neighborhood tea, well, he deciding that, ‘No, America would apologize’ and as part of the deal, as the enemy sends a message to the rest of the world that they capture and we kowtow and we apologize, and then, we bend over and say, ‘Thank you, enemy.’
You ever heard of a “run-on” sentence, Sarah?
No? Well, that’s a sentence where you try and squeeze a bunch of half-baked thoughts into one long sentence, spliced together with commas and, in your case, made-up quotes and misused adages. It’s very effective at confusing people.
Oh? I see. That’s what you were aiming for? Well, great then. It seems to have worked, but just so you know, there are thousands of immigrants who can construct a proper sentence better than you. Perhaps, you should consider learning Spanish as your first language. English seems to be far beyond your ability.
By the way, Sarah, did you happen to skip that whole semester your ninth-grade English teacher covered clauses?
Oh. Why do I ask?
Where, in the private sector, you actually have to balance budgets in order to prioritize — to keep the main thing, the main thing — and he knows the main thing.
Here’s the main thing, Sarah, avoid clauses and compound sentences until you learn simple subject and verb agreement, okay?
And another thing, avoid using big words like “promised fundamental transformation”. What exactly are you trying to say here?
Now, eight years ago, I warned that Obama’s promised fundamental transformation of America.
Oh. You don’t know? You were just trying to sound smart by using big words?
Well, honey, it isn’t working. Stick to the one-syllable words until you master them, okay? You might want to start with a Dick and Jane reader.
And avoid the circumlocution. No, honey, that has nothing to do with cutting a baby’s penis. Look it up. Can you use your phone? Sure. How do you spell it? Girl, you are going to be the death of me.
I’m beginning to understand how it is that you came up with the most convoluted of all ramblings:
Trump’s candidacy. It has exposed not just that tragic the ramifications of that betrayal of the transformation of our country, but too, he has exposed the complicity on both sides of the aisle that has enabled it, OK?
No, honey, that’s not okay. Not in the least. Seriously, hire an English tutor. Surely, there are some up in your neck of the woods.
What? No. This is not about necking in the woods. That’s a whole other skill set. One I’m sure you’ve mastered.
Oh, never mind. Talking with you is like doing donuts in a cul-de-sac, one is nauseatingly sick before it is all over.
I’m feeling dizzy and exhausted.
Sarah, do you know what you are left with if you take the T off of Trump?
Karen Spears Zacharias is author of Burdy (Mercer University Press).