Dear President Obama:
Hope this finds you well. I am sorry I haven’t made the time to write. It’s been a hectic year, what the demon dog nearly taking off the end of my nose and with the release of my latest book — Will Jesus Buy Me a Double-Wide?
It’s not exactly up to snuff with Franzen’s work but I think you’d find it entertaining. It might even give you some perspective on the state of the nation right now, which FoxNews keeps saying you need.
That’s really what I want to speak to you about — the state of things. While I’m not a trained economist, I have made it my business to study our nation’s economic growth over the past few years, especially since that yellow-bellied low-life egg-sucking dawg of a man Bernie Madoff ripped off all those good-hearted people. (By the way, you might want to send some of your folks down to North and South Carolina and look into the affairs of David Cerullo. I think he’s ripped off the taxpayers in both those states in a similar fashion as Mr. Madoff, that egg-sucking dawg.)
Now, I’m an admitted hack. I wasn’t smart enough to get into any of them high-flutin’ schools like you and the Missus. The way I see it in this world you have to have brains, beauty, money or talent. I was short on the first three but turns out I did okay on that last one. It helps that Mama taught me to work hard. There was a time in this country when a person could advance themselves through hard work.
That was back before Reality TV.
Back before Jon and Kate Gosselin became America’s model parents.
Now before you dismiss me, Mr. President, you should consider that when it comes to parenting, I know a thing or two. I raised four children to bright shining adulthood. They all are gainfully employed and have their own health insurance plans. They volunteer in their community; they call their mama or daddy nearly every day; they go to church on Sundays; and they do their family proud. Not a single one of them has ever spent the night in jail. As far as I know they haven’t held up any convenience stores and they have avoided public drunkenness and lewd behavior.
If this sounds like bragging, well I earned those rights. Their daddy and me, we worked hard to raise them up rightly. We banned television from our home and read to them from an early age. We taught them civic responsibility and public service. We prayed over them and we wept over them from time to time. They aren’t perfect but they are pretty darn fine people.
And the truth is, I know a bunch of folks just like them. In fact, I’m amazed at all the 20 and 30-years-olds I’ve met that are just like my kids. Good people. People who get that there’ is more to life than rabid consumerism and reality television. I am proud of every single one of ’em. I wish you could spend an hour with my friend Sarah Thebarge or Penny Carothers or Hugh Hollowell. I could go on and on, naming names but it wouldn’t do any good.
Because it seems that these days, name dropping only counts if you’ve had your own reality TV show like the Gosselins. I wish somebody would explain to me how it is two people who can’t get along any better than these two people do, end up becoming authors of books on how to be a better baby mama or baby daddy. As far as I’m concerned that would be like Tiger Woods writing a book on faithfulness.
I tell you what, I liked to fell out when I learned Jon Gosselin was going to pen a book on fathering. Who prints this anyway? More importantly, what nimrod is going to buy a book written by a fellow who couldn’t follow simple directions in the grocery store? (Did you see that episode where Kate went banshee on him in Wal-Mart?)
I helped put you in office, Mr. President and so far, I don’t have too many regrets, though I have to tell you that whole bail-out thing? That was wrong-headed and it is gonna come back and bite you in the arse. Take my word for it. My friend Shellie, she thinks I’m a prophet. She told me I was going to die an ugly death because of it. I’m worried some about that.
But until then I’m just plain worried about the way Jon and Kate Gosselin have destroyed this country. Have you noticed that ever since they started making the cover of People magazine, the economy and our education system have completely tanked?
They should be considered a national security risk. I know we don’t send people off to Guantanamo now that you’re in charge, but couldn’t we send them to North Korea? Kim Jong-il seem to know how to put the fear of God in people.
I bet that if you packed up all the reality TV people on one boat and shipped them to North Korea, your ratings with the general public would greatly improve. It might even help you in the next election.
I’m pretty sure it would help the economy.
The only thing is you’d have to send an entire Navy fleet to get them there safely. Otherwise, they’d just turn their ship into a party boat and start filming another series.
I’m praying every night that God turns this country around and delivers us from the mass media that is Jon and Kate Gosselin.
I pray for you and the Missus and the girls, too.
Karen Spears Zacharias