When prayer alone isn’t enough
If you’ve been listening to the news this week you probably heard the story of the Maxwell family of Fayetteville, N.C.
If not, here’s the basics: Sometime in the early evening on Monday Billy Maxwell shot and killed his wife, his son and his daughter, then turned the gun on himself and committed suicide. It’s been reported that the daughter hid in her closet, in fear of her father, no doubt.
The community has been reeling in the wake of the murder-suicide.
Billy Maxwell was a well-respected and beloved businessman. A developer, like his father before him. He was also a devoted Christian. He and wife Kathryn were active members at Snyder Memorial Baptist Church, one of the largest in Fayetteville. The couple’s children — Connor, 17, and Cameron, 15 — attended Village Christian Academy.
The Fayetteville Observer reported:
“To many, the Maxwells appeared to be a model family. They were deeply involved in Snyder Memorial Baptist Church. Billy Maxwell, a developer, coached his son’s basketball team. Kathryn Maxwell was involved with the Junior League of Fayetteville and a strong supporter of her children’s school and athletic programs. Connor, a cheerleader at Village Christian Academy, was a Girl Scout working on her gold award. Her brother, Cameron, was a freshman trying out for the junior varsity basketball team.”
So the inevitable question is why?
Why would a man who seemingly has achieved the American Dream destroy it all in such a violent way?
We are all guilty, in some form or fashion, of self-destruction. The unkind word spoken. Harsh behavior. Callousness toward each other. Neglect. Or just outright spitefullness. These are the things that destroy marriages and families every single day, whether those homes were built on faith or just built on the finest golf-front property.
But to onlookers, the Maxwells didn’t seem to have that kind of marriage. From the outside looking in the those glass-paned windows of the family’s spacious home, their lives seemed to be a reflection of all that many others only dream of having.
Allen Smith, a Fayetteville lawyer, who played on the Terry Sanford High School basketball team with Maxwell in the late 1970s, said, “I’ll put it this way – if you were to line up 3,000 people and say who’s the most likely to do this at random, Billy would be 2,999 or 3,000.”
The person you least expect it.
Or so it seemed to many.
But to those who knew the family best, there were troubling signs.
Like many in this economy, Billy Maxwell was facing some snarly financial strains. It’s hardly headline news that developers and contractors have taken some ugly hits in this recession. And unlike those in the banking and auto industry, nobody is offering to bail them out.
I, personally, have several friends whose husbands have lost their jobs. Big, important jobs. The kind of job that doesn’t run a Help Wanted Ad in the local paper or on Craig’s List. Even the ones who are able to keep their homes and pay the private tuition bills are dealing with a lot of emotional turmoil. Marriages are teetering on a craggy ledge.
I don’t care how confident you are, how positive you try to be, how much faith you think you have, when you lose your job it can undermine everything you thought you believed about yourself. When that job loss threatens your house, your child’s education, your dreams, even the most stable-minded person can unravel quicker than a spinning top flung sideways.
It appears that may very well be what happened to Maxwell. He was embroiled in a $3 million development deal that had gone sour. Legal wrangling ensued. During good economic times, Maxwell would have likely been able to pull out of that. Making money and success, it seems, was Billy Maxwell’s skill set.
But, it now appears, that Billy Maxwell never learned to handle failure.
He wasn’t coping well.
George Rose, one of Billy Maxwell’s closest friends, and several other Christian friends were at the Maxwell home on Monday. The Fayetteville Observer reported that Rose and the others were there to “offer support.” Rose said his friend just hadn’t been acting himself lately. His personality and mood were different. Rose said Billy wasn’t the fun-loving Christian man that he’d always admired.
Clinical depression will do that to a person. And we know that during times of economic hardship, otherwise typically happy people become depressed.
Rose and the others left the Maxwell home about 2:30 p.m.
“When I left, I thought things were stable,” and in the family’s hands, Rose said.
“If you all need us, you all call us, but we are going to leave it to you all,” Rose recalled thinking as they left the home.
About six hours later, police received a call to Maxwell home. Family members had arrived at the couple’s home and discovered the entire family dead.
Friends from the church knew of the hardships Billy Maxwell faced. They knew those hardships were wearing on Billy. They tried as best they could to be of help. Offering Billy prayer and encouragement when needed.
Beyond that, we don’t know if they urged Billy Maxwell to seek professional help. We don’t know if anyone said to Billy that he ought to see a doctor. Get some medical help for his mood swings.
Maybe they did and Billy Maxwell just didn’t listen. A lot of people with mental illnesses refuse to get help. They don’t see how sick they really are.
But, it’s also true, that all too often within the faith community, we drag our feet about urging others to seek medical care for mental issues.
Those of us who’ll shake our heads in disbelief when we learn of a parent who for religious reasons has refused to get their child immunized, will also shake our heads in disbelief over the suggestion that somebody has a mental illness.
If you’re depressed, it’s simply because you’re not looking at things the right way. You need to count your blessings. You need to think positively. You need to have more faith. You need to expect more from God.
You know what your problem is, don’t you? You’re just not grateful enough. You’ve given Satan a foothold. You need to quit thinking like that.You’ve got too much idle time on your hands. You ought to work more. Get out and volunteer. Read a good book. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps.
These are the words of “encouragement” we offer.
And when all else fails, we call in the prayer teams and attempt to pray our friends out of the darkness that surrounds them.
It never occurs to those of us who’ve never experienced clinical depression or bi-polar disorder or a whole host of other mental illness that what we ought to be doing is getting our loved ones into a doctor.
If they were bleeding to death, we wouldn’t just walk away. But when it comes to mental illness, we are too quick to abandon them.
Another friend of the Maxwell family put it this way: “I don’t know what I would have done differently to reach out or be supportive,” she said. “We all are going to ask those questions of ourselves, but we are reminded that people that are in our lives today maybe are not seeking help because of the stigma with mental illness.”
Nobody is to blame for what happened to the Maxwell family. Not even Billy, himself. It’s simply a tragedy.
But, perhaps, it was a tragedy that could have been avoided, if only Billy Maxwell had sought the kind of medical intervention he needed.
Depression can be a stubborn houseguest, however. You can never predict when it’s going to show up or how long it will hang around.
Would you recognize clinical depression in your best friend or spouse? In your son or daughter?
- Concentration is often impaired
- Inability to experience pleasure
- Increase in self-critical thoughts with a voice in the back of one’s mind providing a constant barrage of harsh, negative statements
- Sleep disturbance or unable to fall back to sleep
- Feeling fatigued after 12 hours of sleep
- Decrease in appetite or food loses its taste
- Feelings of guilt, helplessness and/or hopelessness
- Thoughts of suicide
- Increased isolation
- Missing deadlines or a drop in standards
- Change in personality
- Increased sexual promiscuity
- Increased alcohol/drug use
Prayer helps. But if you or someone you know is suffering from these symptoms, do more than pray — get them into to see a doctor. Pronto.
I imagine Connor Maxwell was doing a lot of praying and wishing somebody had helped her daddy as she hid in that closet, rightfully fearing for her young life.
Billy Maxwell, Depression, Fayetteville, Kathy Maxwell, murder, N. C., prayer, Snyder Memorial Baptist Church, Suicide
I’m seeing so many more and more of these stories unfold. It’s heartbreaking. It almost always comes back to either an undiagnosed mental illness, or an untreated case. It’s so sad. I have had many bouts with depression – big bouts. I still can’t fathom getting to the point of hopelessness of feeling there’s no solution but to kill my entire family. I have a 15 year old son and 17 year old daughter….It’s hard for me to comprehend just how desperate and disturbed this guy must have been. It is just so sad. People need to get help or not be afraid to get help for someone else. Pray for these poor people.
I honestly don’t know what to say Karen. I am so sorry this tragedy happened, are they certain he was depressed or just guessing he may have been because his business was failing? I doubt I could make such a call.
My children’s dad was living in absolute filth last year, I could not believe the state of his house yet I also knew it was very out of character for him, he was also smoking enough pot to kill an elephant – he is not a christian. I called the mental health team, I told him I was going to do it.
He got taken away by police and a struggle and capsicum spray (mace) and he was court order to take medication. He says he will never forgive me for betraying him. I am just so grateful that he is himself again. Lives clean with the help of his mum, is back at work, eats at his parents etc etc. I am just glad he is stabilising.
I won’t mention the ‘visions’ he has, I talk to him about Jesus whenever he is open to it. Last week he told me that he believes he will get used to hell and probably come to enjoy it.
I told him I felt that was a pretty arrogant thing to say, told him that Jesus died so he would never have to experience that and he is adamant that he will be fine, I just said that I hope it works for him.
One day at a time and prayer.
Once again, I am so sorry this family ended the way it did.
Karen-
As one who has been reeling from this story all week- First because I knew Kathy in college and two because some of my closest friends were very close friends with Billy but mostly three because I am a mental health professional who has probably not tried hard. This has left me questioning everything I do and say and where as a both a minister and a licensed professional you let people go to make their own decisions about their mental health. Mental illness is an insidious disease just as cancer is- We throw lots and lots of money into research for cancer and we close mental health facilities. Why in the 21st century do we still shrink from the thought of mental illness- even with all the tv commercials. People are dying daily- either by their own hands or by the hands of others because we as a country fail to act when we see behavioral changes in people. And yet if someone is having a heart attack we rush them to the ER- As a nation it is time for us to begin acting as quickly with mental illness. As for the Maxwells- they were a family of faith- but unfortunately mental illness trumped faith- but I certainly believe they are in the arms of Jesus and loving each other now.
Lucy:
I am sorry for the loss of your sweet friend and her beautiful family. I’m sure you have had more than your share of sleepless nights in the wake of this. Because I have a dear friend who suffers from mental illness I understand the confusion that goes along with trying to figure out when to intervene and how one should go about intervening. Fortunately, my girlfriend’s attempts at suicide were unsuccessful. She did finally get medical attention and is doing well today.
But it’s always an unsettling thing. The meds have to be changed from time to time. And when she’s feeling well, she’s tempted not to take them. And because she’s a believer we went through years of the guilt of “if only I was spiritual enough”.
You are right, Lucy. We don’t take mental illness seriously enough. We think nothing of throwing everything we can at cancer or other illnesses but all too often we mark mental illness up to nothing more than a sour attitude.
There is nothing I can say at this point to make it okay for you. I know you will work your way through this. I will pray that it is sooner rather than later.
But the bottom line for me is that these things don’t happen without warning. There is always plenty of warning. The question is whether we are being observant enough, if we’re living in community enough, to recognize the unspoken pleas for help.
Stories like this do make us stop and re-evaluate. I think if you have a chemical imbalance and you need a pill then take it – I can see the sense of shame my ex feels – I have told him I don’t think any less of him if he needs medicine yet it is about how he feels about himself – I can’t change that – I can remain friendly and non-combative because Christ lives in me.
I don’t like the Job hunting sin police kind of christian either, they can be very hard to take and remain friendly with.
The saddest thing I found with my experience with my ex is that his parents go to church and yet they refused to share the gospel with their son because they thought he would get mad and run away and they would lose their business and their houses. And then I had people at church telling me I was in sin and yet not one of them even tried to reach out to my ex.
So I dunno, community and love for one another in Christ seems a bit squiffy lately.
One thing I know for sure, we will all face Jesus one day, how much blood of others will be on my hands?
Why is mental illness more powerful than Christ?
Best thing we can do, it seems, is to take this as a seed we plant so that new life can emerge in due time. A week ago, a local coalition of mental health folks put on the Fred Friendly Seminar DVD “Minds on the Edge”. Wow! Wow! Info: http://www.fredfriendly.org/
I’d urge every church group and community group that deals with homeless people or stressed families to gather a group of friends and watch this conversation unfold. Any of us can become “one of the least of these”. But even if that weren’t true, we are surrounded by people whose lives can be made so much better if we only choose to see them.
I watched your link Roger and I can tell you from my experience with my children’s father we went through everything they were describing. He would only eat my food because he knew I wouldn’t be hiding pills in it, his parents had done that to him before apparently.
The man who kept bringing it back to the actual person not believing they were mentally ill, they only wanted to go to the spa, which turned out to be Socrates, Plato and Aristotle, was in my opinion the only one speaking about the reality of it all in regard to the person who is ill. And maybe the lady who has won that award even though she has schizophrenia – they speak from experience – and it contrasts widely with the others who have never truly walked in it.
I could describe many similiar conversations with my ex, you are just on different wave lengths, communication is extremely difficult, one example, he came out of the bush, that he had run away to live in, each evening – to my place – I would feed him and give him the spare bed – he’d be gone in the morning – this went on for a week. While he was at my house I would encouraged him to speak to his parents and the police and to face this. He finally agreed as long as he didn’t have to go to hospital.
A meeting took place and once they had all gone, and he was left at my place, he tells me that he has been asking God to take all the Christians off the planet so he can befriend the snakes and spiders because he doesn’t like having a division with the snakes and spiders. I suggested that maybe God won’t take the Christians, so would there be a way he could build the bridge with the snakes and spiders while the christians were still here. He said he couldn’t see how it would be possible. I said that I was sure he could come up with something.
The one thing I knew not to do was tell him he was delusional – it is not easy to not say it – in the hospital when I finally made the call,about seven weeks later, I had told his mental health team of this incident (and many others) and when they asked him he said he was just angry with me and thought I understood that he wanted the God influence (me) out of his life. This was just one of hundreds of dang outside the square moments.
Mental Illness is a desperate thing in our society today coupled with those who use drugs to self medicate, with all of that I agree, it is a huge problem that needs solutions yet….
human beings are body, mind and soul and in all discussions I have ever seen, such as the link you provided, the ’spiritual’ element is never represented. So where do we as the church get a voice? How does our expertise of the spiritual realm get taken seriously in the mental health dilemma?
John Piper spoke to 6000 Christian Counsellors – he said that ‘Seeing and savouring God in the face of Jesus Christ is the heart of mental health’ – how would that statement come across in Fred Friendly Seminars?
Please see I am not trying to be difficult – I am just pointing out in a world where everyone can believe what they choose, and we are reaping the fruit of that, I just can’t see how we can get help for the broken that addresses the whole person. Body, mind and soul.
Debbie: I agree with John Piper, and his statement could fit with the seminar if it came with a track record to document its importance and effectiveness. A century ago, many of the hospitals in our country were built by the faith communities across our land. We need to take the same lead in mental health care today.
Perhaps our downfall often comes when we try to do things in isolation–either in the faith community or in the secular community. It takes a piece from here, a piece from there. As you said, “If you need a pill, take it.” But don’t expect the pill to do it all either.
I walk an unmapped line in the Sunday evening worship I do with folks in downtown Portland. We are a ministry entirely supported by individual contributors and a few sources of grants, but we have no government funding. We are in a building owned by a church and given to us rent-free. We are first and foremost a ministry of relationship and hospitality, open to all (except, unfortunately, to those who have had to be excluded due to intoxication, on-site drug use or violent/abusive behavior).
In being open to all, we don’t make ourselves exclusive by proselytizing. At the same time, we offer a Wednesday evening Bible study and my Sunday worship with exclusively biblical Scripture, prayer, sacraments–even an offering (goes to downtown food pantries). But attendance at these events is not a prerequisite for being served.
Last Sunday evening I visited and prayed with a man who admitted to addictions and meth use. His teeth confirmed that. Once again I was struck by how much his mental health and psychosis was in synch with apocalyptic imagery found in a number of locations in what I call the Bible’s “minority report”. Apocalyptic has a place but is horrendously abused and should come with a warning label just like pesticides or powerful medications. Used properly, these things are benficial and can heal. Used improperly, they can and do kill.
My hope is in Christ, and for the power and the healing of Christ we prayed. I also emphaszied that the man needed once again to get into rehab and stay with a support group, to not give up because it often takes seven attempts (how’s that for a biblical number?) to get free of meth. I couldn’t do much, but in that moment I needed to be the voice of the risen Christ and present the face of grace and redemption. Let love be our eschatology, not the violence of the apocalyptic landscape which all too often is the face and voice we Christians present to the world first. Then we wonder why we are unwelcome in places…
It takes a network. And lots of prayewr.
Not much of a reply, just another ramble. R.
No, it was a very good reply. You hit an extremely important insight about ‘the end times stuff’. Jesus spoke a lot about it yet He also spoke to people of what they don’t know..”The Kingdom of God is like..” and our need for Him.
I understand those you exclude, it is very difficult to deal with folks who are in such a state of mind, my parents were often like that and many times I wished I could have sent them to the naughty corner. They have both since passed away.
I am certain your many experiences with the mentally ill and drug addicted speaks to you of how demonic it can be and I too believe that Christians ought not to be demon chasers, we do not need to spotlight it, we need only speak scripture, speak the word of God and if the person does hear Jesus and repents I think it is then very important to share the story of the seven sons of Sceva and the parable Jesus spoke of about once a house is clean, to fill it with Himself to keep the darkness out.
I am always praying about this and asking God to raise us up to be of service in this world, I know the extremist christians get a lot of the media action and I often wonder how much of the darkness is behind that as well. Yet true believers, such as yourself, and ministries such as yours will be blessed by God.
Let us keep speaking out and working together and seeking the healing of those trapped in the snares of darkness. Healing the whole person. Always praying that those in the ’secular’ world will begin to see the power of the spiritual and the power of Christ.
Debbie, Karen and all y’all out there:
See Dan Merchant’s film “Lord Save Us From Your Followers”: http://www.lordsaveusthemovie.com
Don’t see another film ’til you do. OK?
R.
Looks to be an interesting flick – takes a bit longer to come downunder.
I read the first chapter of the book on the site you gave and I really liked the older man ‘Jonathan’. He had it goin on.
I like the idea of conversation, and listening to people is a true gift, yet I still believe our bottom line is that we are not very good at listening to God.
‘Not by might, nor by power but by my Spirit’, He said.
I find listening very difficult, I set out to then I am thinking about the crack I just noticed on the wall, so I close my eyes and get distracted by the pretty patterns the ‘lights’ make behind my eyelids, and then I might start thinking about how the lawn needs mowing and will it ever stop raining. And on and on…
Will check out the movie when it gets here and if it don’t I will seek out the book.
Karen,
I’m really not sure what to say here. I’m not sure whether to lash out in anger at your for writing this article, or to commend you for doing your part to help people who may be struggling with the depressing that Billy was facing. Of course it’s not your fault I searched for this article, found it, read it, etc., so I suppose I can’t go with the former.
I knew Connor personally. I wasn’t her best friend; not even a close friend, but I knew her – was touched by her warm smile and her always kind words. She was absolutely full of life. She was gorgeous inside and out. I constantly regret not getting to know her better when I had the chance.
Since November 3rd, there hasn’t been a single day that I have not thought of this tragedy. Thought of Connor. Thought of the sheer terror that sweet, beautiful Connor faced in those last few minutes of her life. Hiding in that closet. My heart breaks into thousands of pieces, and there’s a constant pit in my stomach that I’m convinced will never leave.
Connor should be here. Dancing, smiling, cheering, laughing, singing, walking across that VBC stage in May and getting her diploma. So many things that she should be doing that she will never get to do. I think of these things and I ache.
Though in the common sense part of my thinking, I obviously knew that none of the Maxwell’s had prepared to die that night. But, reading the autopsy reports – reading the details of the clothes they were wearing – the reality of it struck a whole new chord in me. Cheer clothes, basketball clothes, business clothes – none fit for dying. Just normal, everyday Monday clothes.
I believe that Billy was a sincere Christian; I also believe that he had an illness. I know that in the Christian community, as you say – it is taboo to speak of these things, but they exist. I just want to say to everyone that it’s not for us to determine whether or not Billy went to heaven. More than that, I am so glad that God is the ultimate judge and not me. Or any of us. We’re not qualified. I can only hope that he is. The only thing certain about life is death. But, I’m so glad that there’s more to the story. The important thing to remember is that time on this earth is not on our side; we have to make the most of every single minute. I love you Connor. You’re the first person I want to see when I make it to heaven.